A new dawn

Our minds are certainly powerful and capable of so much. They are also weird and work in baffling ways, or at least mine does.

After some waiting, I finally had a meeting with a Speech-Language Therapist and BOY was this the most useful hour of my life! (well, at least as it relates to my swallowing issues). After reviewing my medical history and tests, we had a chat about what I was experiencing and how was I coping. My SLT was very straight and direct and basically said that I had nothing wrong, physically, but had somehow developed a form of eating disorder with an anxiety overlay. And that was all fine, she could help.

I then got an anatomy lesson to show me how swallowing works and also to reassure me that this is something that happens automatically...but when it doesn't, I've been over-thinking it. This causes a self-fulfilling prophecy that if I think I might choke, my body will start to agree and protect me against this fictional danger. This has also meant that my brain and swallowing connection has been lost and I essentially need to start to learn to eat all over again like we all do when we are babies. 

She's given me some exercises, some foods to try and some routines. I don't want to go into too much detail because another thing I must do is basically stop giving this so much importance: eat with distractions (so much for mindful eating for me!), stop worrying about it, talking about it and making it so much the center of my life. In her words "if you want something to eat, eat it. You can.

It is these last few words that seem to have had the most effect on me: I literally went home after the appointment feeling like I've been given permission to eat again. And my brain agreed so I sat down for some food, using the techniques and suggestions she made, and as you may have guessed, I was fine. This has extended to other meals and although this is very, very early days, I can already feel a difference in how I approach eating. Instead of thinking that I would love to eat something but it's just not going to work, I just tell myself that I CAN eat it, there is nothing wrong with me. 

The more I challenge myself, the more I can help to restore that brain-swallowing connection and hopefully make it more automatic, more natural. This in turn gives me confidence that I can indeed eat less of the soft stuff and more tacos or whatever it is I really want. I've already managed peanut butter and jelly on toast, and not just survived but actually quite enjoyed the experience! I've been able to join others at lunchtime and no longer feel like a weirdo - I was so engrossed in the conversation I was eating LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO. 

Again, this is very early days but I can feel that this will work - because it is already working. There are a few other things I need to do, just like anyone in therapy would, but they are very enjoyable: facial steaming, sipping iced water and lemon sorbet at the end of the day. They are prescribed tasks but to be honest, they feel more like self-care so I have no trouble doing those. I also have to keep a food diary and this particularly appeals to the OCD part of my brain: it may be a chore to some but to me, it's actually a fun thing to add to my bullet journal and I really enjoy completing it.

For the first time in months, I feel hopeful - I may not be entirely broken. I was physically fine all the time, I just needed reassurance and permission to challenge myself, it seems, as well as letting go of that anxiety that has done nothing but hold me back. 

I really hope this continues - and I need to be careful not to start going the other way and over-eating! 

One interesting postscript is that my SLT (who I'm seeing privately) mentioned that she's seen my name on the NHS waitlist and that it is taking around 2 years to see people at the moment! They are getting better at tackling the list and I may not have to wait as long but it will be interesting to see how long it actually takes. I can't imagine waiting that long but I also am lucky enough to be able to access private care.