Reflections

In the last few weeks the miracle continued: I've been able to eat most meals, most things. 

I've been able to join the family again for mealtimes and go out with friends for food.

I've cooked some nice meals and then was able to enjoy the fruits of my hard work.

Over my birthday weekend, I was able to eat cake, have a few drinks and feel pretty normal.

Starbucks have once again seen me darken their doorstep and I've been able to enjoy some nice drinks (and get back on track with my Gold status). 

Mealtimes are no longer something I dread or that make me anxious - I can now sit down and enjoy food like most people do.

In short: things are fairly back to normal. I still think that my stomach has shrunk and most of the time I'm having much smaller portions than I used to but this is probably a good thing. I'm sure I was having large portions before so it's not a bad idea to reduce those! I also struggle with some very specific textures but they are mostly in foods that I don't much like anyway so avoiding them is not a huge hassle. Even the nightly sorbet doesn't feel so much like a prescribed treatment but more like a yummy treat. 

I do feel like I've learned an awful lot in this experience, with the main takeaway being that our minds are incredibly powerful and mental health shouldn't be taken for granted. In my specific case an anxiety was wrapped around swallowing for some reason (not yet sure why) with the net result being months of thinking I was unable to eat, which in turn led to more anxiety which then fed back perfectly into more dificulty eating and so on. The cycle was broken and I'm better for it - but still don't know why the anxiety was triggered (although there are many good theories, of course) and why it attached itself to a very particular reflex. I have become very aware of mental issues and how everyone is at risk, even those that seem like they are ok or have no issues. One never knows what lurks inside their minds... so it's important to always, always be kind and non-judgemental. 

During all those months when I was barely eating enough, not only did my weight drop (albeit not as quickly as I would have thought it would do, given that I was eating practically nothing) but my body seemed to adapt to this. I have NEVER said that this is any sort of great diet - and I am definitely not recomending it - but I now know that my body doesn't actually need as much as I was eating to keep going. Reducing my portion size, in this case, is perfectly reasonable and will not make me feel like I'm depriving myself. Much the opposite, these days I will eat anything I want but in serious moderation.

Speaking of deprivation, I now know what it feels like to be truly, seriously hungry. Not just the callous "I'm starving!" that we all throw out when we're only just hungry: but a real feeling of emptiness inside that you know can't be fulfilled for a reason. In my case it was medical but for other people, being hungry like that is their baseline: they simply can't afford to eat. In a very small way I now how that feels and how that colors every aspect of life. I have therefore become much more considerate and giving when it comes to food banks and donations. 

It is possible that this whole stupid episode is helping me become a slightly better person - and I am just SO grateful that things seem to be moving forward in a positive way!