Fire and Ice

Our minds are certainly powerful and capable of so much. They are also weird and work in baffling ways, or at least mine does. After some waiting, I finally had a meeting with a Speech-Language Therapist and BOY was this the most useful hour of my life! (well, at least as it relates to my swallowing issues). After reviewing my medical history and tests, we had a chat about what I was experiencing and how was I coping. My SLT was very straight and direct and basically said that I had nothing wrong, physically, but had somehow developed a form of eating disorder with an anxiety overlay. And that was all fine, she could help. I then got an anatomy lesson to show me how swallowing works and also to reassure me that this is something that happens automatically...but when it doesn't, I've been over-thinking it. This causes a self-fulfilling prophecy that if I think I might choke, my body will start to agree and protect me against this fictional danger. This has also meant that my bra...

It's been six months since I first noticed that I was having trouble eating. Since then I've had a handful of doctor's appointments, hospital visits, peculiar tests, bits of advice, good days, bad days...and very, very little to eat.  I know that the medical establishment is trying to help, with all the limits and struggles that it also has because of the pandemic and all sorts of other circumstances. I know (or want to believe) that every person I've met wants to help but the fact remains that we still don't really know why this is happening AND that I also eat less than a picky toddler during a trip to a foreign country where they don't like any of the food. My weight keeps dropping and I'm sure my nutrition is absolutely awful.  My body does seem to be adapting though - I don't get as many hunger pangs as I used to, even when eating one Babybel all day. I also don't get so many headaches even though I'm barely drinking a glass of water a day. ...