Running low on fuel

I mentioned before some of the physical effects that not being able to eat has had on me. I’m obviously hungry and thirsty but there are some other things that are worth talking about a bit more.

Even before any of this started, I was already having a slightly different relationship to food than most: my low blood sugar meant that I was prone to fainting spells if I, for example, skipped breakfast. So I am pretty religious about eating when I wake up, if I want to be able to make it through without passing out. This has also meant that I can function better when I have a series of smaller meals throughout the day and have always ensured I have a couple of snacks to hand.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that I was 100% healthy in all my choices - and more often than not, my snack of choice was a sweet coffee. But in terms of blood sugar, this was fine although it wasn’t great for my weight. Having said that, I did try to make these snacks at least not terrible, and I’d made great friends with nuts and dried fruits (as well as cookies because who doesn’t like cookies?)

Having a more stable energy intake meant that I was less likely to have a blood sugar drop and for years this has been my routine. Every once in a while (stupid early mornings to catch flights, for example) eating was a bit more haphazard but I would then feel shaky and weak: telltale signs that I’m in serious need of fuel. When this happens, I literally will eat ANYTHING, and if it has lots of sugar, better. Usually, I’d stuff this down my face, sit down and feel better in a few minutes then get on with my day.

As you may have worked out by now, this is REALLY difficult lately. I think my body is at least cutting me some slack, as it knows that food for fuel is more of a struggle. So I haven’t yet fainted but I do feel very light-headed and dizzy pretty much all the time. As mentioned before, it seems that I’m slightly better at swallowing in the mornings so I’ve made sure that I have a breakfast smoothie. I’ve been doing this for a few years and it’s my favourite weekday breakfast - but lately, I’ve been making sure that it is as packed with calories as I can bear.

Yup - I’m doing pretty much the opposite of what I’ve always done and stuffed all sorts of calorie-dense foods in there. Sometimes I even add a couple of spoonfuls of sugar to the peanut butter, banana, syrup and nut milk mix. I remember reading somewhere that smoothies are sometimes not as healthy as they seem, even though they have lots of fruit, because of those extra things and I was careful when putting them together. These days, I’m trying to do the opposite because it’s become the one near-reliable source of energy for my body.

I’ve tried to repeat the smoothies later in the day but I found I struggled to swallow them so I’ve stopped trying. This means that the mornings are almost my one chance to get some energy in me so that I can continue to function all day.

The other thing that I love is coffee. I am a firm believer in “no coffee, no workee” and would always have one sometime mid-morning. These days I really struggle with it so I’ve had to give it up. While this may seem a great thing, it of course isn’t as I’ve developed some pretty rough headaches that I think are linked to some sort of coffee withdrawal. Additionally, I don’t have that extra energy push that I get from the caffeine.

Unsurprisingly, my energy levels are somewhere around the floor. Some days I’m so tired that I can barely move around the house, never mind going outside for a walk or something. It can be a struggle to focus at work, to think straight or to even show enthusiasm for, well, anything.

When I drag myself outside for a (relatively slow) walk, I have noticed that my heart is beating way too fast. Like someone seriously out of shape, I am huffing and puffing after only a few minutes which is incredibly frustrating. I’ve never been a great runner but I was definitely a great walker and it is depressing to only be able to go for a few minutes before I have to go back home because I’m afraid of passing out.

Other physical effects are the expected ones: I’ve definitely lost weight and my clothes are looser. I don’t think it is very obvious to others though so it’s probably not a dangerous amount (and goodness knows there were a few extra sources of fuel stockpiled around my butt!) if it keeps falling then it will certainly be a concern.

I’m also almost always thirsty and after my morning smoothie, I’ve prioritised drinking water. I can achieve this in tiny sips during most of the day but for anyone that knows the fantastic feeling you have after drinking a large glass of water when you’re really, really thirsty, you’ll know that little sips aren’t really what I am looking for. But it’s better than nothing.

Spending my days hungry, thirsty, light-headed, tired and dizzy definitely has had some effect on my emotions and my mental health. I’ll explore those in another post.