Bad days are here again

As I thought, good days are followed by not-so-good ones.

Once again I'm struggling to eat almost anything, not even the tiny pasta servings I was ok with a few days ago. Definitely frustrating and annoying as I always have the hope that bad days won't return, until they do. It is also a worry of course because I don't know how long this will last and the longer I go without actual food, the worse the health impacts.

I think I'm making some progress on how I handle this mentally, though. I may be speaking too soon but I'm trying to shift my thoughts to refocus the anxiety into something else - to try and make this dysphagia something that is here, rather than something I "have". This mental distance between me and my issue does seem to give me some relief from the constant worries.

I don't have any evidence but I sometimes think that when I have bad days, I will of course worry. This worry then turns to anxiety which in turn makes swallowing worse. While I can't stop the difficulty with eating, I can have a good try at stopping the anxious thoughts that tend to follow. Maybe I can break the cycle this way and at the very least, not make things worse. It's worth a try.

However, I am also very much looking forward to my consultant appointment next week. While I feel that I can help myself by being very mindful, very aware and refocusing my dysphagia, I strongly feel that the underlying issue is a mechanical one: i.e. there is something going on in my throat that sometimes doesn't let me eat. It's not an eating disorder, it's not just anxiety, it's not some other thing... there's something broken in there. Not letting me swallow is my body's way of protecting me - as otherwise I could aspirate food and end up somewhere far, far worse. It would just be good for an actual medical professional to confirm this!

So the wait continues. I still miss all sorts of food (especially anything crunchy) but lately, my main craving has been coffee. I knew that I liked coffee but didn't quite realize just HOW much I depended on it: from the morning pick-me-up to the mid-afternoon comfort and the reward at the end of a long task. I'm also in danger of losing my Starbucks VIP status and that, for sure, would break my heart.