Not the greatest smoothie I've ever had

A week ago I spent around 30 minutes swallowing the thickest, chalkiest, heaviest smoothie I've ever had. It tasted sort of like strawberry but a very small cup of it (the size of a shot glass) weighed way more than its size would suggest. It also had the texture of plaster and was about as hard to swallow.

I mean, I know that this is not the easiest thing for me to do right now, but I bet that even people without a swallowing challenge would struggle.

Why was I doing this? As a medical test, of course. This has many names (videofluoroscopy was the name on my letter) but most people referred to it as the Barium swallow test. The idea here is that you swallow this heavy, thick smoothie while professionals watch your insides with X-rays and see what happens. There are several different kinds of swallows that I had to do: small ones, quick ones, facing sideways, facing the other ways, and even - God forbid - lying down. I even had to chew a marshmallow coated in the stuff, all in the interest of trying to find out what is going on with my body

Because this thing was SO thick, it was incredibly hard to actually swallow. The doctor guiding the procedure wanted me to swallow larger amounts but I just simply couldn't and had to take tiny little sips. I did try to have a larger swallow once but really did feel like I was going to choke. Only the thought that I was already in a hospital (and therefore somebody in there had to know how to save my life) helped me to persevere in the act.

Of course, also being watched closely - and on the inside - puts one under certain pressure and while I wanted to "do well" I also knew that it was probably best if I didn't, as this would mean getting closer to solving this thing.

Anyway, it was certainly an interesting way to spend an afternoon and the results have now come in: nothing unusual, serious or even faulty was found. There seem to be some minor issues with the way food makes its way down my oesophagus but apparently, nothing more than a nuisance. Generally, all this is good news.

But still, the issue persists! I don't know if I'm getting better at coping or have simply stopped trying and am sticking with what I know is sort of ok: smoothies, crisps, veggie nuggets, chocolate and some kinds of cheese. Yup, my nutrition is absolutely terrible but at least I get some calories to see me through the day. I still get good days and bad days (currently having a bad week, incidentally) and there seems to be no pattern that I can work out: there are too many variables.

The next steps are a referral to a speech therapist and I really, truly hope that this helps. While I'm getting better at the more emotional side of food it is still hard to sit at a table with others and not be able to eat or to look at all the lovely Easter eggs available and know that I won't be able to have most of them (although chocolate is one of my more reliable foods... so maybe...) I still find that swallowing is slightly easier in the mornings than the evenings and now plan accordingly. I have even started cooking more frequently and in most cases, these are meals that I barely taste which totally sucks. But at least now I don't cry so often.

I also realize that in a world so full of terrible news all the time, my issues are barely important. As several medical professionals have reassured me, this is nothing even remotely serious. I keep trying to maintain a mostly positive outlook and focus on the things I can do (chocolate, again!) and hope for better days.