What is this going to teach me?

 

A few days ago, a friend of mine posted a meme similar to this one on Twitter and it made me stop and think. I don't normally spend much time on these sorts of things, but given what I'm going through, this really resonated.

I have certainly been trying to work out "why is this happening to me", all the time. I have also spent so much time trying to get it fixed.

But when I saw the image, I decided that it was worth shifting the perspective and spending some time figuring out what this is teaching me instead. It was an interesting thought experiment, at the very least! I spent a few minutes that day just pondering the learnings and came up with a few but the interesting thing is that I've not really stopped thinking about learnings since. 

Sure, it is still annoying, infuriating, worrying, depressing and concerning that, I can't really swallow food. I'm not going to say that just by changing my thinking everything else just magically resolved itself. On the contrary, things are pretty much the same although at the moment I'm going through what I consider a "good" phase when I can eat one or two bites of something before having to leave it. In my world, ANY food is better than NO food so I'll take it. 

There are still things I think I've learned and are worth recording, even if just for interest's sake. Some are good learning, some not quite so positive but here is what I've learned, so far.

1. I will never hit my target weight while remaining healthy.

I've mentioned before that this situation is NOT AT ALL what I'd recommend as part of a healthy life. Essentially, what is going on is that I'm starving and dehydrating myself which is never a good thing. Yet, in spite of all that, I am not that near to what most online calculators tell me that I should weigh to be a healthy size. Absolutely rubbish. Even on the days when I can eat absolutely nothing, I seem to plateau and not lose that much. Sure, if this goes on for longer I may find that weight does fall off, but right now I'm happy to hang on to those extra pockets of energy. But the thing that I've learned is that no matter how much I'd watched what I eat, I would have never dropped to that number. Those calculators are plain wrong and I will never aim for that number in my life, ever again.

2. Social occasions are almost always about food.

Think about it: how do we meet friends when we want to catch up? We go for coffee or make arrangements to meet over drinks or dinner. What about celebrations like birthdays? There is always at least cake. Got good news at work? It's only right to celebrate with some adult beverages if you like those or some indulgent treat. You get the picture: our social lives revolve around food and, when it is hard to swallow, then social lives become awkward. As I've mentioned before, it is hard to work out which is worse: to be there and have to face others eating, or to miss out entirely and feel deeply lonely. I am making progress with this one and have met some friends over lunch but I did have to explain what is going on, which I think helps. Also, the more I talk about it the easier it gets. Still, this is something I'd not really noticed until now.

3. Food shopping is boring when you can't eat.

You know how they say, don't go grocery shopping on a hungry stomach or you'll spend a fortune? Well, this is me right now, pretty much all the time. I have always enjoyed food shopping and didn't even go online during the most locked-down part of lockdown because I like it so much. But the difference this time is that it is more of a mechanical thing. I am not cooking much right now and sometimes part of the fun of food shopping was to discover new ingredients or get new ideas while shopping. I find that these ideas are not surprisingly less frequent these days. I still go grocery shopping as before, but take much less pleasure in it. 

4. Chocolate is a miracle food.

One of the very, very few foods that I can manage almost all the time is plain chocolate. Once it goes in your mouth, it really just melts so there is not much of an issue when swallowing. On those days when I haven't eaten at all, a small square of chocolate gives me the energy I need. Sure, there is also fat and whatever in there but let's face it, I need everything I can get. I have not found any other food that is quite so dependable so yes, chocolate is absolutely a blessing. If it is really good quality chocolate, even better!

5. Portion control really is out of control. 

When I do manage to eat something, it is generally a very tiny portion, like one-third or even one-quarter of what I'd be used to. These mini-meals do seem to satisfy my hunger though - especially as I'm eating so slowly. Sure, if I had my way I'd have a lot more of that food BUT being forced to eat tiny meals so slowly does seem to satisfy some requirements. I am now convinced that portion sizes are crazy - and yes, we all know that but nothing makes you pay attention so much as to having to survive on mini-meals. During our recent vacation to the USA and Caribbean cruise, it was all the more evident: it took me 3 days to eat a single slice of cheesecake, I could never finish my breakfast pancakes and every bowl of pasta was about twice as big as it needed to be. I hope that when things go back to normal, I remember this learning as it has the potential to be life-changing.

6. Lunch breaks are hard to take when no food is involved.

It is, of course, good practice to take breaks during the working day and lunchtime is one of them. But when I can't eat, it is sometimes better to try to ignore that and continue to work as a distraction. This then means that I've had some very, very long days - and always running on low energy as I can't even drink coffee to keep me awake! I've tried making sure I get a break by going on a walk but on some days either the weather is terrible or I just don't have the energy to do that. 

7. Food is everywhere. 

This is a bit of a follow-on from no. 2 above, but it merits its own entry. Things are possibly worse now that it is January and every single restaurant I've ever visited has sent me an email asking me to come and see them, or there are countless stories about how to go vegan or alcohol-free or even go on diets. It seems that everywhere I look, there is a vegan entree looking at me, or someone is talking about food yet again. This can be demoralising when I'm already thinking about food - but more of a focus on the fact that I'd love some, thanks, but I'm currently unable to eat what I'd like!

8. Eating slowly can be very mindful. 

As mentioned previously, on those days when I'm able to process a tiny meal, I do have to eat it so, so slowly. Every mouthful is also tiny and chewed thoughtfully in preparation for the moment when I've got to take that inevitable swallow. Then I have to pause, breathe, pause again and maybe even wait a few minutes before I can take a tiny sip of water or even another small bite. This does mean that meals can take literally hours but it also does work as a mindful exercise if I can do it right. I find that eating while distracted is not great right now, as I really do need to be sitting right, holding my head straight and placing 100% focus on the action of swallowing. No longer do I eat an entire bag of something crisp and cheesy without noticing because I'm watching TV! Every. Single. Bite. takes all my focus, all my energy and all my thoughts. Surely this is the very definition of mindful eating!