Tuesday, 7 October 2008

I feel like a house

Can we talk? Really, really talk?

I am really struggling to come to terms with my changing shape. I am having trouble looking at myself in the mirror, hate the fact that most of my ‘normal’ clothes no longer fit and I am certainly not taking any photos of myself for posterity. I’m practically running away from cameras now, which explains why my scrapbooking output is seriously diminished.

The last time I was pregnant I remember feeling the same way, but I always thought that there would come a point when I would feel better and be happy with my growing body. That point never came and now, second time around, I know better. I also know that I will get much, much bigger and be even more uncomfortable, look more like a helium balloon and that the feeling goes on for a few months even after the birth.

I know that there are some girls out there that love being pregnant, I even know some personally. I totally don’t get this because this isn’t something that I enjoyed in the past or am enjoying now. I could even use strong words and say I’m hating it. And perhaps I’m also a bit jealous of those that can embrace their blooming body and be totally happy with it.

I get a lot of advice of course, to focus on the positives, the end result, the goal. And I do try. But then I happen to catch a glimpse of myself sideways and all those good thoughts come crashing down. I have even shed tears at the sight of myself in those silly clothes and that gigantic lump in front of me.

Thing is though, no one seems to talk about this. Everywhere I read about pregnancy and body image it seems to be people gushing about how amazing they look and feel. Yes, I do appreciate that it is possible to be so positive but where are the other people, people like me? Am I the only one? Or am I the only one talking about it?

This reminds me of a show I saw on TV a while ago, about mothers that, while they loved their children very much, did not especially love being moms. It just wasn’t the ‘be all and end all’ that was promised. I remember watching this and knowing exactly how they felt, because it was something I’d felt before but was of course NEVER going to admit out loud. I admired these women for their bravery and thank them for making me feel like I wasn’t the only woman in the world that felt things in an unconventional way.

So I know that there must be others like me out there. It’s not fashionable these days to express these thoughts but I also know that keeping them bottled inside isn’t healthy. I also know that these are issues that I will have to work out by myself but in the meantime – where are all the girls that do not love being pregnant??


Shazza911 said...

I agree 100%. Being 25 weeks along now, I find it frustrating that I can't run much anymore, and that I have a very limited selection of maternity clothes and that all the tops seem to accentuate cleavage and not much else. It's tough because people don't talk about the tough parts of pregnancy, everything seems to get glossed over. But, like you, I'm not a huge fan of the whole pregnancy thing, not looking forward to the surgery, and the sleepless nights in the first few months (can you tell I'm not a baby person either??). But, I look at Sebastian now, and he's fun, so I know that in the long run I'll be glad, but certainly in the short term, it would be nice if more people acknowledged that pregnancy isn't everything and that it doesn't always go the way it should. Oh, and I hate that brushing my teeth makes me gag (and that only happens when I'm pregnant)!! Next time I'm going to adopt!!

So feel free to complain all you want, I'll listen!!

Rachael Barker said...

Me, me, me! I'm here. I too hated being pregnant. My mum hates that I talk about it but I just don't get how anyone can find it enjoyable. I love my son to bits but I was the most miserable pregnant lady on the planet. I hated having no control over the changes, the lack of clothing choices and feeling like I was out of control. Don't even get me started on "professionals" telling me what I should or shouldn't do. (I too chose not to breastfeed)

Women are too afraid to admit that they dislike pregnancey for fear of upsetting those not lucky enough to ever have the opportunity to carry a baby or for fear of people thinking there is something wrong with them, but if that's how you feel then that's how you feel.

You are not alone! Feel free to vent at the weekend!

Gin said...

Oh Claudia, I'm sorry you are feeling this way but if that's how you feel then that's the way you feel. Rachael says I don't like to hear that people hate being pregnant. That is not strictly true. I was / am one of those women who thinks being a Mum is just about one of the best things in the world. However, I didn't particularly enjoy being pregnant ( although I did it three times!) and I certainly couldn't even contemplate breat feeding which suprised many people and even then caused a few arguments.. Fortunately I was able to focus on the end result. I don't remember being concerned about my shape or lack of decent clothes and there were certainly not many stylish ones at that time! I hope this next few months go quickly for you and that you stay well.

Gin said...

Sorry missed out the s in breast, only noticed as I hit the publish button!

Julie W. said...

Oh, Claudia! I feel for you! I have just DAYS left with this pregnancy and I'm feeling pretty miserable. One of my last blog entries was about how I am just not enjoying this pregnancy, given all the complications and how it seems every part of me feels an ache and pain of some type. I will say now that there is light at the end of the tunnel, everything gets a lot more bearable. But hang in there!! The end result is definitely worth it!

minimooch said...

I hated pregnancy too - both times. Why on earth does anyone enjoy it! And at the end you get your body vaguely back, but then have the whole newborn thing. I guess at least at that point you know its only gonna get easier (cant get a lot worse, can it). I've just completed potty training number 2, so could be said to have finally come out the other side :) Good luck Clau.


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